Well recently I've been having alot of violin related dreams - mostly to do with the same thing. Peforming in front of people.
Now, my issue is - for starters its not even me playing the violin, but someone else who in my life probably doesn't even know WHAT the violin is (Hey I didn't know of its existance till I was in year 10) sometimes they peform on it excellent or just plain suck. Anywho - in one of the dreams, my step-father was playing the violin - after his peformance he came up to me and said "Your an idiot for not peforming!", subsequently - in my next dream (ooo inter-relatedness) I lost my violin on public transport but it made its way back to me, one of my friends tried playing on it in public but was really sucky - I kinda shied away and pretended I didn't even know how to play, but was relieved that I found my violin again.
In my waking life - I do feel the anxiety, and I REAALLYY want to peform but am I just putting excuses here? My pieces/segments/themes (etc etc) that I practise are really just mostly for the technical experience, nothing I'd be too proud of peforming for people.
Sometimes I have friends asking me to peform for them, but in the end I weasle myself out of it - they probably think I don't even play violin (lol), but the way I see it is - If I am going to do it I want to atleast leave a good impression. Maybe I am being too vain? I could run of a billion excuses not to peform and not a single one I want to. I guess I just feel too shy with my pieces - though its the opposite when I'm with my teacher (I guess this is just a normal thing then?)
But how to put up with the pressure? Those who know what to look for see a talented individual, others don't. I don't like to see myself as a people pleaser - I am definantly not playing the violin for the benefits of amazing others I feel I do have a genuine love for the classics and violin itself (ooooo violin porn) - but again I just contradict myself, I feel I'd only ever peform pieces to other people when I can play at a high level.
Its always been an inner concern and im sure it is for many, however if I knew some of those ideal pieces I want to peform maybe I'd be happy to look like a fool stuffing up Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in front of the nation.
As per-usual I think I just confused myself too much, in a nonesense endless sequence of words. Yeah, get used to it hahaha. Sometimes I wake up lost, I'm going to be one of those rambling old people one day. I suppose you get over it once you get better hey?
I can only laugh at these wasted words on the net hahaha. Its like a two sided arguement but only one person fighting. No one wonder people keep me around its like cheap entertainment.... Oh great I called myself cheap.
I just hope I'm like this because of the weather! Yeah blame the world, its not my fault damn it.
Hey all, first try at this - kinda exciting really. I always wonder whats soo good about this blogging... the idea of writing your thoughts down only to cringe at them a day later and wonder what the hell you were even thinking isn't really appealing.
Well down in Australia with Winter season (Second month) here - keeping true to your plans just isn't as easy as when you did plan them out haah!
I'm struggling to find myself practising my usual hours, I end up resting and trying to recover more than I do practise..I think my violin is my new spooning partner, well its not just my practising thats suffering - I've become really..really.....REALLY lazy, and been enjoying my sleep ins too much (Well sleeping in to 9 feels late for me as I'm used to waking up roughly 6:30-7am on most days even if I don't have to)
But, woes of a students life... haha I don't even goto school. Taking a break from it all (Well its more deeper than that but the internet doesn't need to know!) that and trying to atleast find a good job - which hopefully will be settled tommorow. Atleast if I do get that job I can finally be comfortable, maybe I'll end up practising more to because I'll feel that my time is more precious.
My violin journey has been a short one anyway, I spent alot pretty close to a year and a half wondering what it was like to play violin in my final years of high school - of course I was practising guitar then, I kind of had no other choice (I was studying Music) and there was that 10% compulsory peformance (Which I screwed up). Anyways sometime during late november a friend mentions to me "Hey did you know ALDI sells violins now?" - it couldn't get any more convenient than that. (If any of you know ALDI = cheap cheap prices) So after a day of my 18th birthday (December 15th) I decided to buy an ALDI violin ($130 now its $99 - I can't complain) and.... I've never know what it was really to feel about being passionate about something. Though it sounds hideous, I love it like only a mother could a child.
However I think I spent too much time with it, for the first two months I practised almost 8 hours a day - I went insane with it, practising from the Suzuki Books and random pieces that I always wanted to try play (And sucked at very well btw).. Though atleast I had my previous musical experience from high school THAT really helped benefit me.
After 7 months of teaching myself (Well if your up for arguing that if you watch youtube videos then your aren't self-taught.. But I wanna feel special) I was up to Suzuki book 3, though after peforming a few of those pieces to my teacher, she found an error in them - now I must suffer and correct everything (Though I am very greatful for this! I couldn't do staccato in a slur before but now I can)
Actually this is all pretty recent, I've only been taught by her for.. I think my third lesson was last tuesday. But according to her I have talent, which has really boosted my spirits and hopes up. I don't want to be too deluded though.
At the moment she has me practising some Etude (Allegro Moderato) which is perfect for applying other bowing techniques apparently, and also perfecting the position shifting. I hope this goes well, I just wish my body was up for it though - I hate this new laziness. Though I'm going to try force myself to wake up early tommorow..... pfft I better.
Oh god.... I am gonna regret this HAHAHAHA, but its nice to share thoughts. Hmm so this is what its like to be a girl who keeps her sacred diary..or dairy (whatever), but again this is not soo sacred... I Wonder if you can find this through google search???
IF any of you are insane enough to read this far then... Love ya :D
Anywho - is anyone else sharing the same pains and experiences? What do you find life like being a late starter.
Of course in a years time I see myself being Concert Master, but you can only dream hahaha.
Oh I didn't realise there were formatting tags, I'll use that next time and I can be pretty and attractive to everyone!!!
More entries: September 2008
Violinist.com is made possible by...
Dimitri Musafia, Master Maker of Violin and Viola Cases
Johnson String Instrument/Carriage House Violins
Discover the best of Violinist.com in these collections of editor Laurie Niles' exclusive interviews.
Violinist.com Interviews Volume 1, with introduction by Hilary Hahn
Violinist.com Interviews Volume 2, with introduction by Rachel Barton Pine