I've recently been really discouraged due to some recent events. I was supposed to perform in a concerto competition recently. It's for college students and high school students, and this is my senior year in high school. I performed once before as a sophomore, and I was very happy with my performance, despite my loss.
This year, I was aiming to perform a concerto I had been working on for a year. I didn't play it consistently throughout the year, but I did get pretty sick of it. The quality of my playing fluctuated alot with this piece and the competition grew closer, I was becoming uncertain. I didn't think I could make it through a performance, let alone win. Everyone around me was really supportive and encouraging and I started to feel better about things.
But then, less than a week before the competition I had a lesson with my instructor who has been very encouraging since learning this piece. We worked on a couple of things and I was feeling better and better. But, after I performed with the accompaniment, he told me I shouldn't perform. I was shocked. He hadn't ever suggested that he thought before he told me. He told he just didn't think that I could make it through a performance.
Having my insecurities voiced in another person really shattered my confidence as a violinist. I didn't feel like I could perform after that so I dropped out.
One of my closest friends, a fellow violinist who studies with the same teacher, also competed. She performed the same thing I did, but she had been playing it for a shorter time. She ended being the only one competing in the high school division, since her only competitor was me.
Now, I have to play the concerto as an orchestra member since I am a part of the orchestra that performs with the winning soloists. My failures are going to be staring at me in the face for a long time now, and I feel so defeated. If I had worked harder, I could have avoided all this and been able to compete. Everyone around me doesn't seem to understand, and keeps telling me I'm such well-rounded violinist, and there will be other competitions, but that's not what I'm upset about.
I'm upset because I've been struggling with practicing and confidence for a while now,ultimately feeling like I don't work hard enough and that I'm not going to amount to anything as a violinist, and now my teacher seems to agree with me.
I just don't know where to go from here.Tweet
This article has been archived and is no longer accepting comments.
Violinist.com is made possible by...
Discover the best of Violinist.com in these collections of editor Laurie Niles' exclusive interviews.