June 2006

I 'm Calm Now

June 26, 2006 17:31

I've calmed down since my last blog, thinks to a fellow violinist. Now, unfortunately, I've injured both of my hands and boy, do they hurt. I did it at Hy-Vee yesterday chipping away at ice in the freezer. So now both of my hands hurt, mostly the pinkies and even typing is somewhat difficult at the moment. When I play though, it's more of a dull ache, it only hurts when I have to squeeze my hands together to open a bottle or even tighten by bow.

I've decided that Symphony isn't the most important thing in life. I would love to go to Vienna but I guess if I don't make it into Symphony I will have more time for my solo rep and an extra $5,000.00 to help me purchase a new violin in 2 years. I'll try my best but right now it just doesn't seem possible. I have 2 months left to practice but I have a lot of work left to do with them because practice with them has become sporadic at it's best. Which has made me rethink my practicing. I'm putting it on a schedule. I'm going to keep track of everything I'm working on and attempt to right down everything I accomplished with it on that particular day. I'm also going to keep track of my time better so I don't practice one thing too much and something else not at all. So this is my goal, to become a much more efficient practicer and to make my already good concentration excellent and stronger.

I would like to ask you all for your forgiveness for my recent "woe is me" behavior. I hope that in the future I will be more positive.

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I Can't Do This... I Just Can't!!!!

June 16, 2006 19:30

I can't do this anymore. Tonight is the first night in a week when I was hoping to get some seious practicing. But no, I can't because I have to dust and wait for the vacuum to stop. It's been something every night this week. Monday, I wanted to finish reading a book, tuesday someone rear-ended me, wednessday I had insurance stuff to do, thursday I reported the accident to the police and my great aunt come over from 7 to 9:30, and now I just can't get my fingers to move and I can't concentrate. I work from 7:30am to 4 everday weekday and I'm also trying to work some hours at my first job, Hy-Vee, to get some extra money for Vienna. I'm just tired of this, I don't have time to get warmed up properly and then play. I have to just start practicing and it sucks because my figers aren't all set and ready to go. I'm just tired of it. The whole reason I'm working so much is so I can go to Vienna but it's ruining my violin practice, which is the whole reason I'm going to Vienna, I'm going with my Symphony Orch. I just can't stand this. I'm playing out of tune, and I just feel uncomfortable with my violin.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Really, I just want to give up on violin. for the last few months I've felt nothign from music. I don't feel moved by the orchestral music that could make me weep. Music feels like it's become a chore rather than my release. My dedication is wanning. Today, I have contemplated applying to be a Personnel Specialist or a Unit Coordinator at the place where I work, just to see if i could get those jobs. I'm serious when I say I want to quit but yet I'm not. What I have I been working hard for all these years, if I quit now, they would have all been for nothing. I gave up friends and oppurtunites just to play violin and get as good as I could. I don't want to take a break either, I took too many of those over the last semester. I just want to stop playing violin, I just want to be done with it...but I love playing it...but it's a chore...

I'll probably never be good enough for the professional world anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. I've only played 3 freakin concertos in my life and not even whole ones, just movements. And my jury left something to be desired and my teacher wants to remain on 1 movement per semester. But if I want to actually do performance I need to master pieces not do one movement and then go to another one. Also, I get the feeling that she no longer thinks that I can do performance because of these suggestions and other things she has said, like me finding my correct placement for a carrer. She thinks I'd be good at doing music management but guess what, I have very little interest in that, aside from perhaps starting my own violin school or something like that. Or, she even suggested I could be a instrument museum curator. I think not, sure I love old instruments, but I want to play a Strad, not look at it through a payne of glass. I also really don't want to conduct. I just don't think I would like it.

Perhaps I'm not supposed to do music. But I don't know what else to do. I'm not good at anything really anymore. I'm bad at math but I love science and you can't do science without math. I love psychology, but there again, more math than I want to do. I like language but I don't want to do that either. I don't have an interest in computers all that much. I'm a good writer but I don't have an interest in english. I like politics but I don't want to get involved in that demoralized world. I used to want to be a doctor but I can't look at blood or the parts of a human body, that just sickens me. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I suck too much at violin to make a career out of it. I'm just not good enough. I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even express how I feel. I just want to sleep and not do anything. I don't understand why I would feel such a love for violin performance when I'm not even good at it. I could never compete with the conservatory trained people, even if I did have 5 or 6 hours of practice time a day. I don't know who I'm kidding.

2 replies | Archive link


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