Right now, my violin journey is on cross roads. Plans I had have tumbled down and the passion I had for my violin has faded away. It´s not easy to face my violin as it is. I prefer to keep it locked away for the time being while I figure things out. There are many things I have to sort through and decisions I have to make.
One of the difficult things about this experience is the sense of shame I have felt. I feel shamed that despite all my hard work and perseverance, my violin playing is still a tough process. I feel shame that I failed the plans I had and have been working on since early fall. I feel shame when I play, because there are so many things wrong with how I handle the instrument. I feel shame because I´m surrounded by brilliant violinists at my conservatory and I´m nowhere near as good as them. I feel shame over everything connected to my violin playing.
Music has always been a huge part of my life and I know it´ll continue to be, no matter what happens. I´ll always play and I´ll always love my violin. But right now, the feeling of shame I have is too much to handle. I was in lesson today and I could barely play, the feeling of shame was so strong. Shame over everything I have been doing as a musician. I need to let go of my violin while I sort through this feeling and figure out my next steps.
I know playing violin is a very rewarding but also intensely difficult journey, filled with highs and lows. Right now I´m at a serious low and it´ll take a while to get back up on my feet and get back the passion I had and the intense joy I got from playing. Right now, all I feel is shame. I´m hoping I´ll be able to sort through this shame and emerge soon, wiser and ready to continue playing, feeling no shame that plans have failed or that things have changed. Only joy, knowing that I have the wonderful blessing of being able to play violin.
More entries: February 2011
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