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You Know You're An Orch Dork When...

From Jessica Smith
Posted May 17, 2005 at 08:21 PM

(I didn't write this, it has been posted all over the internet...)

You Know You Are An Orch Dork When...

~You buy light colored shirts to avoid rosin stains
~You get together with your friends and in the midst of deciding what to do, you find yourselves playing chamber music
~You don't go out on weekends because "you have an audition" the next day...or even orch dorkier, a rehearsal
~You buy things like cookie cutters and pasta in the shape of musical notes and instruments
~You've put Tchaikovsky's birthday on your calendar
~You know every viola joke by heart
~When you think about it, you really don’t think the viola jokes are that funny because you know that they are all so TRUE
~You have separate buddy lists...one for orch dorks and one for "regular people"
~You know the words to the choral version of The 1812 Overture
~You know that there is a choral version of The 1812 Overture
~You go to parties and people direct you right to the "orch dork corner"
~You've decorated the inside of your case...with things that pertain to music
~You know what an Austrian 6th chord is
~You don't mind getting up at 7 on Saturdays
~You carry around a pocket music dictionary...and read it just for fun
~You've named your instrument
~The highlight of your New Year's is the Mostly Mozart concert
~You follow along in the score when you listen to classical music
~You own scores
~You find some way to incorporate music into all of your school research papers
~During your homework breaks you practice Shostakovich string quartets for fun
~You correct your friends when they call pieces "songs"
~You can draw various instruments on your etch-a-sketch
~You carry around a nail clipper
~You play along with Mahler symphonies on the kazoo
~You know how to pronounce Dohnanyi
~You have friends with screen names like Carlpebach and CadenzaV2
~You sing Beethoven/Tchaikovsky symphonies in parts for fun
~You have random spasms which cause you to play Copland’s Rodeo
~You take up badminton to try and get your mind off your depression caused by orchestra ending for the year
~You see seating auditions as a social gathering
~You avoid gym volleyball to avoid hurting your fingers
~You can play the first and second violin parts of Tchaik 4 on cue
~You ask for reeds/bows/rosin/mutes for Christmas...and then cry when you don't get them
~You have a conniption when people clap between movements
~You get together with your friends and in the midst of deciding what to do, you find yourselves playing chamber music
~You know what a hemidemisemiquaver is
~You read program notes
~Someone asks you what car you drive, and you respond: "Kreisler"
~You start off conversations with things like, “The funniest thing happened last night during my 11 measures rest in the second movement of the Tchaikovsky...”
~When you come to a rut in the conversation, you show off your perfect pitch skills by singing A 440 to break the tension
~You protect your hands at all costs...except in the case of Egyptian ratscrew
~The Shar catalog in the mail brightens your day
~You have Shar on speed dial
~You have a fit in choir when people don't cut off at the right time
~Your graduation (birthday, etc) party guest list contains more orch dorks than people from your school
~Whenever you're in school you think about how an orch dork school would be so much cooler
~You know Mozart's full name
~You get a copy of BMG's Encore Magazine twice a month
~You go nuts when you hear the school bell go off because you try to figure out what pitch it is
~You dance along with your “Dr. Beat”
~The A440 has gone off on your pocket metronome in the middle of English class
~You have inadvertently referred to Saturday as “audition day”
~You sing along with the microwave.
~You have a compulsion to complete other people's cell phone rings, and to do so out loud.
~When the politicians mention DeLay on the news, you think "Dorothy" and wonder when she got into politics.
~You find yourself counting rests when you're driving and listening to music.
~You refuse to take a class required for your major because it meets during your orchestra rehearsal
~You can't keep a constant speed while driving because you're tapping your foot
~You're walking down a sidewalk, you try to take "triplet" steps within the "duplet" cement squares, just to practice rhythm
~You're on a dinner date, you'll interrupt conversation by pointing at the ceiling, cocking your head and saying, "This is Dvorak, we played this my junior year..."
~... likewise for movie soundtracks
~You've said, "Flight of the Bumblebee is so cliche for movie soundtracks"
~You finally blast out the guys playing Hip-hop too loud down the hall with 1812 Overture on a sound system that they could only dream of having.
~You have a Strad poster in your dorm room (Brothers Amati viola, c. 1620...)
~You have soundpost setters in your dorm room
~Your instrument cases take priority over books on your dorm room shelves
~When cleaning, you find violin strings in odd places and wonder how they got there...
~When you have a violin calandar...
~When your license plate says "vln vla"
~You have christmas music stuck in your head before thanksgiving cause you're already rehearsing it
~You not only name your violin, but its named after a composer
~People think you're a goth because you have so much black clothing
~Violining is a regualr word in your vocabulary
~You tell heifetz jokes

Feel free to add to the list...

~Jessica

~You protect your hands at all costs...except in the case of Egyptian ratscrew

...So true.

:)

I think it might have been easier for me to take the ones that didn't fit for me...

Cheers!

~Jessica

Lance

I admire the artistry of many people who are "orch dorks", but most of them I find boring. That's just me though.

I find that I wind up relating to practically everything on the list, simply because of my exposure to the violin-world. But it's only when the orch dorks start bragging about their idiosyncrasies (in a self-serving manner) that "orch-dorkiness" becomes annoying...

[grins]

"You can't really ever listen to music because you're too busy trying to find the pitch, keep up with the rhythmn, name chords, etc."

"When people bring up Paganini, you start to recite your essay on him, plus some more composers"

"Your instrument replaces a teddy bear at night"

"Instead of reading books in car rides/planes/waiting rooms, you read sheet music"

"You dress up as a composer/instrument for Halloween"

"You read this list and go out and try to do/be everything on it 'cause you're so jealous of us orch dorks ;)."

Awww Sara, thats cute

**edit** -bear (sry, can't spell)

It was my senior prom, and if memory serves me, it was his 8th symphony. Actually, we played it my sophomore year. :-P

Preston

you know you're an orch dork when:
you've been known to spend a rather long amount of time singing your part from the 2nd mvt of Beethoven 9 along with other orch dorks (all different parts) in various public places...

-after reading this thread you immediately emailed the link to the rest of your orchestra board (and, of course, you're on your orchestra board... vice-president, in fact)

-you've been known to wake up in the middle of the night swetting from an awful nightmare where you were about to have a performance, but you couldn't find your orchestra blacks (as in last night...)

-for the college students: you're friends with "beethoven" on facebook; you're part of an "orchestra" group on facebook, and at least three other music-oriented groups; you're "wall" has viola jokes on it....

-the first thing you read every week in the new yorker are the concert listings (even before you browse through to find all the cartoons!)

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
The viola holds more beer.
You can tune the violin.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
A violist f...............

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
half a measure
a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.

What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute knows more than two positions.
Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Shoot 11 of them.
Shoot all of them.
Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.

How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.

What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.

poor violists....

~Jessica

Just like the old Holden/Ford jokes (if you're an australian)

Shhhh...(I kind of like the viola occasionaly. But all the viola players I know STINK!!!!!!!)

I have another to add to the list.

When your friends look in your closet, they think your a strange Goth. On the bottom you have your black concert skirts, the top your white blouses.

The jokes are of course all in good fun. I'm sure that in the back of the viola section there have been some very witty cracks made about violinists.

~Jessica

Me, I prefer to play second or third parts.

However, there are some pretty good viola parts out there - Mozart wrote some ones that test the player out, and I believe Brahms wrote some good parts as well. This is mainly because they were viola players and played that part, so obviously they wanted to have an interesting part for themselves.... selfish pigs ;)

when all of your dreams are accompanied by lush orchestral soundtracks.

No kidding, I've had many a dream filled with music, and not music I've heard before either, but gorgeous music...and then once I wake up, I can't remember what the music sounded like. Perhaps I'm subconsciously a Mozart, my brain filled with new music that only escapes when I'm asleep.

Put some music in front of him.

...you name all of your Sims after composers...

...you change your screen name to insaneorchdork...

Both things I did today....

You copy/paste this list into a description on a dating website...
...and you know you aren't alone when you get a match.

Too bad for the blondes...I mean, violas, excuse me. :) I always tell everyone that the violas are considered the "blondes" of the orchestra...loved sometimes, but considered...uh...stupdid at some time.

Once an orchestra was playing Fur Elise and violist in the audience came up to the principle violist and said, "I just loved the trill you all played in that last piece!"

Thats what it was like at my first high school. We had a 3rd violin section to play those parts.

~Jessica

~You tape "Orch Dork" to your case in big letters!
~You practice for more than 3 hours a day!
~You can say, "I'm an Orch Dork and I'm proud of it!" with a straight face!

I don't know if these qualify or is just related to music in general...

When you're playing something on the car radio/cassette player/CD player and you get to your destination and you have to wait until the end of the phrase before you turn it off...

I was working in this building where there was an anteroom and three doors with keypad locks and I told my boss that they were all a quarter-tone off and he said "Only you would say that"...

If someone asks you to get them ice, you ask if they would like it 'crushed' or 'melodic'

Dork Pride!
July 19, 2005
Steffi Weiss is a dork and proud of it. The 15-year old plays in her suburban Chicago high school orchestra, and instead of ducking the dork label, Steffi decided to embrace it. She and a friend made up black mesh sports jerseys with the words "ORCH DORKS" in big white letters across the front. The back has their names, while their instruments are printed on the sleeves. "We used to not be able to stand the fact that we were in orchestra," says Weiss, who's been playing violin since fourth grade and proudly wore the shirt to her high school this year. Increasingly people are parading around in shirts that say "Dork Pride!", among other things. Such items have gotten so popular that CafePress.com, an online merchandiser, has created a special category for shirts and other items celebrating geeks, dorks, and nerds.

--Betsy O'Connor, KDFC News

You know you're an orch dork when the proctor asks "The standard American Orchestra tunes to an A of..."
and you scream "440 vibrations per second!"
and the judge says "incorrect, an a of 440 hz, what is the frequency of an A 2 octaves above that note?"

Lol, this really happened to!

paul

1. you whistle in style brisé.
2. your favorite pickup line is, "What's your favorite augmented sixth chord?"
3. your second favorite pickup line is, "Would you like to raise my leading tone?"
4. you have ever played the how-many-episodes-is-too-m
any-episodes fugue game.
5. you have a poster of Allen Forte in your room.
6. you know who Allen Forte is.
7. you dream in four parts.
8. your biological clock follows a non-retrogradable isorhythm.
9. you can improvise 16th-century counterpoint with no trouble, but you frequently forget how to tie your shoes.
10. you will look at a piece by Bach and say, "You know, I think he could have gotten a better effect this way . . ."
11. you expected something quite different out of The Matrix.
12. you can answer your phone with a tonal or a real answer.
13. you like to tease your friends and loved ones with deceptive cadences.
14. you know how large a major 23rd is without having to count.
15. you only drink fifths, and then you laugh at the pun.
16. you feel the need to end Tchaikovsky's Pathétique Symphony with a picardy third.
17. your favorite characteristic of Brahms's music is the subcutaneous motivic play.
18. instead of counting sheep, you count sequences.
19. you find free counterpoint too liberal.
20. Moussorgsky's "Hopak" gives you nightmares.
21. you wonder what a Danish sixth would sound like.
22. you long for the good old days of movable G-clefs.
23. the Corelli Clash gives you goosebumps. Every time.
24. you can hear an enharmonic modulation coming a mile away.
25. you can hear Berg's lover's dog coming a mile away.
26. you have had to be forced to stop labeling motives.
27. you confuse fishsticks with ground bass.
28. you found No. 27 funny.
29. you have ever quoted Walter Piston.
30. you like to march to the rhythm of L'histoire du soldat.
31. your license plate says: PNTONL.
32. you have ever defended yourself with, "But Gesualdo did it!"
33. you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on "Three Blind Mice."
34. you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on 4'33''.
35. you have ever had a gebrauchsmusik party.
36. you have ever tried to hop onto the omnibus.
37. you like to wake up to a Petrushkated version of "Reveille."
38. you lament the decline of serialism.
39. you know what the ninth overtone of the harmonic series is off the top of your head.
40. you keep the writings of Boethius on the coffee table.
41. you have ever dressed up as counterpoint for Halloween.
42. you have ever written a musical palindrome and given it a witty title.
43. you can name ten of Palestrina's contemporaries.
44. you have ever found a typographical error in a score by Ives, Nancarrow, or Babbitt.
45. you have ever heard a wrong note in a performance of a composition by Ives, Nancarrow, or Babbitt.
46. you already sensed that if this list had been written by Bartók, this would be the funniest item.
47. you enjoy the tang of a tritone whenever you can.
48. you've let the rule of the octave determine how you go from one event of the day to the next.
49. you have ever played through your music as if the fingering markings were figured bass symbols.
50. you suspiciously check all the music you play for dangling sevenths.
51. you have devised your own tuning method.
52. you keep a notebook of useful diminutions.
53. you have composed variations on a theme by Anton Webern.
54. you know the difference between a Courante and a Corrente.
55. you have trained your dog to jump through a flaming circle of fifths.
56. you have ever used the word fortspinnung in polite conversation.
57. you feel cheated by evaded cadences.
58. you organize phone numbers based on their prime form.
59. you find it amusing to refer to you ear-training course sections as your "pitch classes."
60. every now and again you like to kick back and play a tune in hypophrygian mode.
61. you wonder why there aren't more types of seventh chords.
62. you wish you had twelve fingers.
63. you like polytonal music because, hey, the more keys the merrier.
64. you abbreviate your shopping list using figured bass symbols.
65. you always make sure to invert your counterpoint, just in case.
66. you have ever told a joke with a punchline of: because it was polyphonic!
67. you have ever named a pet, instrument, boat, gun or child after Zarlino.
68. you have an <0 1 4> tattoo.
69. your lips may say, "perfect fourth," but in your heart it will always be "diatessaron."
70. you have ever said, "Yes, didn't Scriabin use that sonority in . . ."
71. you know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.
72. you can name relatives of the "Grandmother Chord."
73. you're still wondering why I haven't included the "must-resolve-the- dominant-seventh-before-go
ing-to-bed" indicator.
74. you can not only identify any one of Bach's 371 Harmonized Chorales by ear, but you also know what page it is on in the Riemenschneider edition and how many suspensions it has in the first four bars.
75. you got more than half of the jokes on this list.

I worked for this company awhile back where the outer hallway had three office doors, each with one of those locks where you have to press a series of buttons, and each one had its own electronic beep (not separate beeps for each button). I told my boss that the locks were all a quarter-tone off and he said "Only you would notice that."

Also, after learning the sequence, muscle memory would take over, and if a coworker asked me what the numbers were, I'd have to stop and think or run the pattern with my fingers to remember what it was.

While other saved their money for gizmos, clothes, an such - you saved $200 to shop at your local sheet music store.

And:

Your violin loan payment is more than your car payment.

Both of these pretty much describe college for me.

...you notice the incorrect pronunciation of "Dohnányi" given a few posts above in response to somebody's question and it bothers you like an itchy mosquito bite, even as you're slapping yourself in the face for being so nitpicky and obnoxious. (The stress is actually on the first syllable, and the "h" comes out as sort of a soft "kh".) Don't mind me....

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY!!!

Now I have to clean up my keyboard...

I stepped out of a rehearsal once in the middle of the piece to nurse my daughter and when I came back I started joining back into the piece that we were playing.

The conductor stopped the orchestra and asked, "Where were you?"... embarassed, I said "I'll tell you later."

The oboeist next to me said "He meant, where were you in the piece." (I had missed a repeat)

The oboist and I still laugh at that one... he must of thought I was such a smartbutt.. I never did tell him what I actually did.

...have skipped many meals to play.
...have seriously diverted friends to practice, or didn't hang out because of messing up practice time.
...have molded all free time around practice.

I love this violin--now if I could only play it!.

But I do admit to shunning friends and activites in preference of a little solitude with my violin. I get disgruntled when people encroach on my personal time.

...you talk in your sleep about theory (its happened to me, its almost embarassing to admit haha).

My comment was meant to simulate the spraying of liquid on the keyboard after sipping tea and bursting into laughter...

but it also could mean after I was lapping the dog's dish and spraying water...

as I don't have a dog, that didn't happen, but it might have!

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