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I'm so INSULTED!!!

Health: Violinist jokes... we've all heard them! We can all laugh at ourselves, right? It's a healthy thing not to take oneself too seriously? So lets let the healing begin!

From James Lapihuska
Posted February 10, 2005 at 07:59 PM

Did you know it's a common misconception that there is a difference in size between violins and violas. The two instruments are actually identical in size. What you see is an optical illusion created when the violinist's bigger head makes the violin seem smaller in comparison to the viola!

Violinist jokes... we've all heard them! Although many are recycled jokes about other instruments, I find most of them absolutely hysterical. We can all laugh at ourselves, right? It's a healthy thing not to take oneself too seriously? So lets let the healing begin!

Okay, me first:
Q: How do you make a fiddler's car more aerodynamic?

A: Remove the pizza delivery sign from the roof.

Who's got some?

From James Lapihuska
Posted on February 10, 2005 at 03:45 PM
Oh, and let's keep it clean 8^)
From Sam Li
Posted on February 10, 2005 at 09:48 PM
Why do violinists put a rag under their chins?

No spit valves.


Badum bum

From Rita Livs
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 03:34 AM
Why is painting fences the best job for a retired violinist?

Because all that's going through their brains is detache.

From Michael Avagliano
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 03:20 PM
How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to whisper about how much better they could have done it.

From Scott Hawthorn
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 03:35 PM
[Adapted from a bass-player joke]

A cop was walking down the street, and in front of a theater he came across a strange scene. A tuxedo-clad man was repeatedly kicking another man who was down on the sidewalk.

"'Ere 'ere, wot's all this?" the cop said, or words to that effect.

Tux: Well, see, officer, I'm a violinist.
Cop: So???
Tux: It's like this-- during a break, he came down from the audience and detuned one of my strings!!!
Cop: That's all very well, but I don't see why that entitles you to be kicking this poor gentleman.
Tux, Well, you see officer, he won't tell me which string!

From Theresa Bollhagen
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 07:36 PM
You've probaly heard this one before
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer

From Jen Horne
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 07:54 PM
Heres a viola one,

The latest crime trend sweeping the nation, drive-by viola recitals! AHH!

LOL My fav. viola joke

From Michael Avagliano
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 09:36 PM
Hey, don't let the thread degenerate into viola jokes. It's not nice to get into a battle of wits with unarmed people.

So here's another one...

Why are violins smaller than violas?

They're not. It's an optical illusion because the violinists' heads are so much bigger.

From Robert Smith
Posted on February 11, 2005 at 11:17 PM
that was posted already, man

how do you tell if the violinist is playing out of tune?

the bow is moving

what do a violinist's fingers and lightening have in common?

they never hit the same spot twice

From James Lapihuska
Posted on February 12, 2005 at 12:29 AM
These are great! Keep it up!!! Here's another one...

How can you make two violinists play in unison?

Shoot one of them.

and How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

From Enosh Kofler
Posted on February 12, 2005 at 12:43 AM
Also adopted from a violin joke, what's the difference between a pizza and a violinist?


The pizza can feed a family of four.

From John Lanceley
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 03:40 PM
HAHA

What do you get if you cross a viola player with a drummer?

Seriously stupid kids

Lol I just made that up, and managed to offend millions of people in one foul swoop. Hee!

From Lefebure Alain
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 04:01 PM
What is the definition of a semi_tone?
answ. Two violists playing in unisson.
From Mark N
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 04:04 PM
(1)What is the definition of microtonality?

--- a sectional non vibrato

(2)Q. why do violists never suffer from pyles?

A Because all the asses are in the vl sections.

From paul king
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 04:26 PM
Okay, why don't viola players like the Kama Sutra?

Too many positions!

Hah!

From Sarah Vandemoortele
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 04:40 PM
Here is a famous one:

Why is the German word for viola 'Bratsche'?

That's the noice it makes when you go sitting upon it!

From Jeff Lim
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 04:47 PM
Ugh . . . ok here goes . . .

Q: Why did the blonde violinist quit the symphony?
A: Because she got insulted when the conductor said she was too loud and should try playing piano instead.

This one's not a violin joke, but as far as cheesy music jokes go, it's my fav (better read out loud):

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

{pause}

Badum, tshhhh!

From sara a. m.
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 07:08 PM
http://www.violinists.com/out_frame.php?PHPSESSID=434eb6c4de32296a02eb04bb132de671&ID=135
From Alex Yau
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 09:33 PM
well, i've got a joke...

What's the difference between a 14 inch pizza and a musician?

A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

From Beth Larson
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 09:55 PM
hey there!
here are a couple viola jokes:

Q: What's wrong with driving off a cliff with 5 violists in a minivan?
A: You could fit more.

Q: Why are violists like prostitutes?
A: They both fake the climax!

HAHA!

Beth

From John Lanceley
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 11:22 PM
Haha thats funny. What did the viola player say at the pearly gates?

....
"Sob...Would you let me in if it were a cello"

From Jim W. Miller
Posted on April 6, 2005 at 11:55 PM
Viola playing cop pulls over a viola player. Viola player hands viola playing cop a compact. Viola playing cop looks in the mirror and says "Why didn't you say you were a viola playing cop?" Something like that.
From John Lanceley
Posted on April 7, 2005 at 12:23 AM
Either thats not funny, or I dont get it. Or both
From Jim W. Miller
Posted on April 7, 2005 at 01:09 AM
It's the product of a sick mind.
From Rita Livs
Posted on April 7, 2005 at 02:21 AM
Here is another version of what Michael wrote above:

How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change a light bulb and nine to rotate his chair he stands on.

From Alex Green
Posted on April 7, 2005 at 04:51 AM
Yet another version of the lightbulb joke...

How many SECOND violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't really matter... they can't get that high anyway.

HA :-P

Alex

From John Lanceley
Posted on April 7, 2005 at 08:53 PM
hehe thats good. I used to play in an orchestra and the viola player who sat next to me couldnt do harmonics so I played them for her, peering over at the music. In the performance the conductor pointed up while looking at me, indicating me to repeat what I did in rehearsal, hehe.
From Stephen Mayhew
Posted on October 20, 2005 at 11:05 PM
A violinist goes to preschool one day. When he comes back, he says to his mother, "Mommy, guess what! We did the alphabet today! I read farther than anyone else"
His mom said, "That's good honey! That's because you play the violin."
The next day he goes back to school. Again, when he comes home he says, "Mommy, guess what! We did counting today and I could count farther than anyone else." Once again his mother says, "Well done, honey. That's because you play the violin."
The next day brought the same routine. The violinist comes home and says, "Mommy, guess what! We measured our height today and I was much taller than anyone else! Is that because I play the violin?"
"No" his mother replies, "It's because you're 25!"
From Keuna Cho
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 02:52 PM
One day a conductor falls ill and the orchestra manager is in a pinch to find a replacement for the concert that night.
Meekly, the last chair second violin raises his hand and says, "Uh, I studied conducting..." so he goes on that night and conducts a great concert.
The next morning, in rehearsal, his stand partner asks him, "Where were you last night?"
From Greta Mutlu
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 06:04 PM
From Bob van der Ent
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 06:16 PM
actually this a not a joke but very funny...
Mischa Elman was having a rehearsal with his pianist when he stopped playing and said:
Joseph, you're not playing in time!!
but maestro... i AM playing in time
Let's start again (so they did it again)
Joseph, you're NOT PLAYING IN TIME!!
but maestro....I AM PLAYING IN TIME!
Elman: Maybe you're playing in time, but not in MY TIME!
From Linda L
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 07:59 PM
That is the best joke I have ever heard, Stephen!!! I literally rolled out of my chair.
From Laurie Trlak
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 08:19 PM
Here's one I didn't see yet:
What does a violinist use for birth control?
Her personality!
Laurie
From Karin Lin
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 08:45 PM
OUCH, Laurie! :)
From Neil Cameron
Posted on October 21, 2005 at 11:47 PM
Click for all the violin jokes Google could find

I couldn't resist posting this one directly though:

Q: What do you call a gathering of one pretty good violinist, one better-than-average violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates all violinists?

A: A string quartet.

Neil

From Andrea Verna
Posted on October 22, 2005 at 03:20 AM
That link is great! I love reading these! Sometime, I'll have to sit down and actually come up with some.
From Stephen Mayhew
Posted on October 22, 2005 at 04:22 PM
From a newspaper:
Established quartet seeking 2 violins and a cello.
Stephen
From Jim Hoyle
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 12:53 AM
[quote]hehe thats good. I used to play in an orchestra and the viola player who sat next to me couldnt do harmonics so I played them for her, peering over at the music. In the performance the conductor pointed up while looking at me, indicating me to repeat what I did in rehearsal, hehe.[/quote]John - that wouldn't happen to be in the Sorcerer's Apprentice, would it?

Perhaps you could help this poor dumb cretinous viola player out as well. He seems to have missed out 2 octaves from the start of the Waxman Fantasy - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/clipserve/B00000DMHB002006/0/002-9136566-7731244 - doh !!

Mind you, seeing as you're a 2nd violinist, see above joke, you probably couldn't play it on violin anyway, let alone viola! (Only joking - I'm sure you can ;-)

From sharon lee
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 03:52 AM
who WAS that?
that's some fine viola playing!
From Jim Hoyle
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 11:00 AM
It's Michael Kugel - there's some good clips here - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00000DMHB/002-9136566-7731244?v=glance&s=classical&n=507846&vi=samples#disc_1

I agree, it's exquisite playing and I don't mean to demean him. I haven't heard the rest but it does seem a bit unadventurous - after all Eric Shumsky (Oscar's son) has recorded all the Casimir Ney caprices - equivalent of Paganini on viola - so it can be done.

From Kate Marten
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 11:11 AM
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline


and...How do you prevent your violin from being stolen?
Put your violin in a viola case

From Craig Stratton
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 01:17 PM
How do you shut-up a violinist?


Put some music in front of him.

From Danielle Gauthier
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 05:10 PM
How do you shut up a violist?

Take away the cardboard cut-out he's been talking to.

From John Lanceley
Posted on October 23, 2005 at 11:30 PM
Haha these are excellent. Cheeky Jim, I play first vl now, not that theres anything wrong with being a second! I can get up that high but I get nose bleeds...
From Sander Marcus
Posted on October 24, 2005 at 12:48 AM
How do you shut-up a violinist?

You don't.

From Sander Marcus
Posted on October 24, 2005 at 12:53 AM
(sorry, I hit the button again by accident. That's why I play the violin.)
From Larry Brandt
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 10:15 PM
What do you do with a violinist who has great rhythm, but....

Can't vibrato, still hasn't learnt past 3rd position, can't play louder than mezzo forte,
has no clue how to do bouncing bow strokes, and struggles to play in tune?




Teach them to be a professional Baroque violinist!!

Ok, apologies in advanced to all Baroque players reading this!! We all love you!

Joke inspired by a concert I went to tonight. And I enjoy listening to Baroque ensembles very much! When done well it's very enjoyable...

From Stephen Mayhew
Posted on November 11, 2005 at 09:28 PM
A violinist and a friend were sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee and watching the news on the little TV in the corner. As they watched, the news anchor came on and said, "15 Brazilian soldiers were killed today..." The violinist looks at his friend and says, "Oh, that's so sad! How many is a brazilian?"
From Candace Casey
Posted on November 11, 2005 at 09:35 PM
Hahahhaha
From Sander Marcus
Posted on November 12, 2005 at 01:05 PM
How can anyone possibly play a Baroque violin without getting it fixed?

Did you hear what the critics said about the dog who learned to play the violin?....."Bow wow."

If you scroll down on this thread, there are a lot of statements that will take you down a peg or two. But you can bridge the gap if you are sharp and just ask someone on the staff who has shifted into a higher position.
(That's about all I can Handel this time of morning)

From Sydney Menees
Posted on November 12, 2005 at 11:41 PM
This is ironic...the google page (from the link posted above) has this actual discussion as one of their results!

No cello/violin jokes on here yet, so here you go -
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.

From Sydney Menees
Posted on November 12, 2005 at 11:48 PM
Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)

A: 1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?

Enjoy ;-D

From Sander Marcus
Posted on November 12, 2005 at 11:51 PM
What do you call a cello you have sold? A "sello."

What do you get when you cross a cello with a Jews Harp? A Jello. (Should that be "minority harp"?)

What do you get when you scare the daylights out of a cellist? Vibrato.

From Linda L
Posted on November 30, 2005 at 11:48 AM
LOL Vibrato!

A joke I just saw somewhere:

A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8. Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.

From Sander Marcus
Posted on November 30, 2005 at 02:52 PM
One of my violin teachers years ago told me a story which he claimed was true, but who knows.

Anyway, Antal Dorati was conducting some symphony in which the a bassoon player had to wait about a thousand measures before he came in. At the last rehearsal before the concert, he asked Maestro Dorati if he would give him a cue. Dorati of course agreed and noted it in the score. That evening, however, at the performance, Dorati conducted without a score, forgot to cue the bassoonist to come it with this very important part, and as a result the whole piece was ruined. After the concert (so the story goes), Dorati was backstage looking for this bassoon player, and when he found him, started berating him for not coming in when he was supposed to.

The poor bassoon player was bewildered: "But Maestro, you said you'd cue me."

"Cue you? Cue you?" said Dorati angrily, "Couldn't you see I was busy conducting?"

From Luke Strong
Posted on January 23, 2006 at 08:03 PM
I decided to revive this post from last year.
From �ric Tremblay
Posted on January 23, 2006 at 08:35 PM
What does a violinist do 2 hours after he locked his keys in the car? -- He tries to rescue the viola player who's still inside.


How do you call someone who likes to hang out & have a drink with musicians? -- A drummer.

From Peter Wilson
Posted on January 23, 2006 at 09:09 PM
Ever hear about the guy who left an accordian in his trunk?

When he got back to his car, it had indeed been broken into and . . . there were TWO accordians in his trunk.

From Kimberley Strong
Posted on January 24, 2006 at 12:46 AM
There was this guy who was so dumb that someone felt sorry for him and gave him two sticks so he became a drummer. Then he lost a stick and ended his life as a conductor.
From Ana Gorbe
Posted on January 25, 2006 at 08:21 PM
How do 20 violinist change a bulb?
One of them do it, and the others 19 say "I would do it better"
From Bethany Mullen
Posted on March 2, 2006 at 09:02 PM
some of us also play the viola you know....be NICE
From Rob Schnautz
Posted on March 2, 2006 at 09:13 PM
Reminds me of a viola joke I've told way too many times...
A man sits down next to another man on the plane and says, "I've got a ton of viola jokes!"
The other man says, "I should probably let you know first that I am a violist."
The first man replies, "Good! I'll tell them niiiicce and sloooooww."

Go here: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
for tons of instrument jokes...and three full web pages of viola jokes.
Don't try to read them in a library like I did...people might stare at you for laughing too loud.

How many French hornists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5.
The first 4 will complain about how high it is, and it will take the fifth one to actually do it.

From D Wright
Posted on March 3, 2006 at 06:29 PM
'violin joke' is a redundancy.
From Sarka Blahnik
Posted on March 3, 2006 at 06:49 PM
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.

(feel free to change "viola" to any other instrument...)

From Emily Grossman
Posted on March 4, 2006 at 09:35 AM
True story:

While I was playing in a trio, the violist said to the flautist, "I always hold my breath while I play. Do you hold your breath while you play, too?"

From Peter Wilson
Posted on March 4, 2006 at 04:15 PM
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

From Peter Wilson
Posted on March 4, 2006 at 04:16 PM
You're driving and up ahead, standing in the middle of the road are a conductor and a violist. Who should you run over first?

The conductor--Business before PLEASURE.

From Ruth Kuefler
Posted on March 5, 2006 at 12:37 AM
What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum?
You have to turn the vacuum on before it sucks.
From Tony Vincent
Posted on March 5, 2006 at 01:34 AM
Hi Guys, What is the definition of perfect pitch?

You throw a piano accordian in a dumpster and it lands on a violin.

From Christopher C
Posted on March 6, 2006 at 12:23 AM
Oh really? I thought it was throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim...
From Suresh Brady
Posted on March 6, 2006 at 04:00 AM
I hope there are not too many viola players out there, or we may be sued. This probably will not happen as most viola players cann't read.


hehe.

From Neil Cameron
Posted on March 6, 2006 at 03:48 PM
Ahhh Suresh, not only can some of us read, but we can also spell. :)

Neil

From Nick roubas
Posted on August 1, 2006 at 01:19 AM
This one isn't about violins but my 2 favorite instruments. What is the definition of perfect pitch?
An accordion hitting a banjo in a dumpster.
From Ray Randall
Posted on August 1, 2006 at 03:33 AM
Not a joke per-se, but years ago when I played in the Tulsa Philharmonic the concertmaster, Fran Jones, was going to play the Barber Violin Concerto. At the dress rehearsal during the break two of us carefully planted a piece of warm Limberger cheese under his chinrest. (Yes, it was wrapped so it wouldn't hurt anything) While he was playing you could see the nose start to twitch as the awful smell started to reach him. Halfway through the first movement it appeared that he was sort of gagging. It is very hard to play with tears in your eyes trying to keep the laughter in.
From Emily Wing
Posted on August 1, 2006 at 08:53 AM
As much fun as it is making fun of violas...

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.

From John Taylor
Posted on August 1, 2006 at 04:44 PM
How many viola players does it take to paper a room? Three....if you slice them thinly enough!! What's black and brown,and looks good on a viola player? A Rottweiler.
From William Yap
Posted on August 2, 2006 at 02:28 AM
Doctor: Your husband needs to get his rest. Here are some sleeping pills.

Violinist: When should he take them?

Doctor: These are for you.

From Alison Smith
Posted on August 2, 2006 at 09:17 PM
This really happened. Picture me, wee Scottish lassie, discussing my opinions of a concert

Me: Of course I really enjoyed the violins.
Friend: What do you mean you liked the violence!

Talk about being misunderstood...

From Elizabeth Krejcar
Posted on May 9, 2007 at 01:25 PM
This is a true story.

Einstein loved to play violin
and would sometimes play
duets with Kreisler. Once
during one of these occasions they were having some
difficulty playing a certain
passage. After several tries
Kreisler put finally down his
violin and turned to
Einstein. Annoyed he
said, “Eistein can’t you count?”

From Dion Wright
Posted on May 9, 2007 at 01:46 PM
Hey. Einstein got that fiddler to put the damn thing down. Smart move if you ask me.
From Mischa S.
Posted on May 9, 2007 at 02:28 PM
Where's the hickey of a violinist? Chin.
And the hickey of a violist? On the left thigh.

Two violists are standing on a sinking ship:
1st violist: "Oh my god - I CAN'T SWIM!!"
2nd violist: "Calm down, just fake it!"

Look to the violists, for they are those in hiding, you can't see'em, you can't hear'em, and your heavenly Father doth nourish them.

From Maia Jasper
Posted on May 9, 2007 at 03:44 PM
Mischa,

In my experience, if you cant see'em or hear'em, you can almost certainly smell them. ;)

Here's my joke (adapted from viola joke):

Q: what do violinists and vacuum cleaners have in common?

A: they both suck

(Also partially true in my experience :P )

Maia

From Ted Kruzich
Posted on May 9, 2007 at 06:11 PM
What do you call a conductor who has had his conducting load cut by 50% ??

Answer: a semi-conductor

What do you call a violinist who is faithful to his/her spouse ??

Answer: a virtuoso

What does a hard drinking musicologist do when composing ??

Answer: starts with the fifth & ends with the tonic

Ted

From Sander Marcus
Posted on May 9, 2007 at 06:22 PM
Why are violinists always playing scales? They can remember the tune.

What do you call a violinist with perfect pitch? A starter for the Chicago Cubs.

Why do violinists become good politicians? They've had a lifetime of practice waffling their position.

From Dion Wright
Posted on May 10, 2007 at 04:50 AM
starts with the fifth & ends with the tonic. sounds like szery...uh, nevermind.
From Jeremy Blanden
Posted on May 10, 2007 at 05:32 PM
Here is a viola joke, but I have always thought it was funny.

So, the last chair Violist in the orchestra from Nowheresville, USA is walking along the beach one day and finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out and says that it will grant 3 wishes. The violist is very happy and says, "I wish to be the best violist in my orchestra." The genie snaps his fingers, and poof, the violist is now the principal of the orchestra. A couple of days later, the violist asks again, "I wish to be the best violist in the whole USA." Poof, he is now the principal of the best orchestra in the USA." Later yet, the violist requests, "I wish to be the best violist in the whole world." Poof, the Violist is now last chair second violin in the symphony in Nowheresville, USA.

From Joe Fischer
Posted on July 21, 2008 at 03:13 PM
How many violinists does it take to skewer an olive ?

One to hold the stick and two offering technique suggestions....

From Nicole Stacy
Posted on July 22, 2008 at 02:45 PM
Another magic lamp joke:

A violinist is walking on the beach one day when he comes across a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me," says the genie. "I am not the most powerful genie, so I'm afraid I can only offer to grant one wish."

Without missing a beat (!), the violinist says, "I'd like there to be peace in the Middle East."

The genie, having been in a lamp for several centuries, asks him to explain. The violinist pulls out a map and details the situation at length.

"Euhhh," says the genie, "that sounds pretty complicated; I don't know if I can pull it off. Do you have a second choice?"

The violinist thinks for a few seconds. "Well, I'd like to be the concertmaster of the Berlin Philharmonic."

The genie says, "Let me take a look at that map again..."


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