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I'm so INSULTED!!!

From James Lapihuska
Posted February 10, 2005 at 07:59 PM

Violinist jokes... we've all heard them! Although many are recycled jokes about other instruments, I find most of them absolutely hysterical. We can all laugh at ourselves, right? It's a healthy thing not to take oneself too seriously? So lets let the healing begin!

Okay, me first:
Q: How do you make a fiddler's car more aerodynamic?

A: Remove the pizza delivery sign from the roof.

Who's got some?

No spit valves.

Badum bum

Because all that's going through their brains is detache.

Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to whisper about how much better they could have done it.

A cop was walking down the street, and in front of a theater he came across a strange scene. A tuxedo-clad man was repeatedly kicking another man who was down on the sidewalk.

"'Ere 'ere, wot's all this?" the cop said, or words to that effect.

Tux: Well, see, officer, I'm a violinist.
Cop: So???
Tux: It's like this-- during a break, he came down from the audience and detuned one of my strings!!!
Cop: That's all very well, but I don't see why that entitles you to be kicking this poor gentleman.
Tux, Well, you see officer, he won't tell me which string!

The viola burns longer

The latest crime trend sweeping the nation, drive-by viola recitals! AHH!

LOL My fav. viola joke

So here's another one...

Why are violins smaller than violas?

They're not. It's an optical illusion because the violinists' heads are so much bigger.

how do you tell if the violinist is playing out of tune?

the bow is moving

what do a violinist's fingers and lightening have in common?

they never hit the same spot twice

How can you make two violinists play in unison?

Shoot one of them.

and How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

The pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you get if you cross a viola player with a drummer?

Seriously stupid kids

Lol I just made that up, and managed to offend millions of people in one foul swoop. Hee!

--- a sectional non vibrato

(2)Q. why do violists never suffer from pyles?

A Because all the asses are in the vl sections.

Too many positions!

Hah!

Why is the German word for viola 'Bratsche'?

That's the noice it makes when you go sitting upon it!

Q: Why did the blonde violinist quit the symphony?
A: Because she got insulted when the conductor said she was too loud and should try playing piano instead.

This one's not a violin joke, but as far as cheesy music jokes go, it's my fav (better read out loud):

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

{pause}

Badum, tshhhh!

What's the difference between a 14 inch pizza and a musician?

A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's wrong with driving off a cliff with 5 violists in a minivan?
A: You could fit more.

Q: Why are violists like prostitutes?
A: They both fake the climax!

HAHA!

Beth

....
"Sob...Would you let me in if it were a cello"

How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change a light bulb and nine to rotate his chair he stands on.

How many SECOND violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't really matter... they can't get that high anyway.

HA :-P

Alex

I couldn't resist posting this one directly though:

Q: What do you call a gathering of one pretty good violinist, one better-than-average violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates all violinists?

A: A string quartet.

Neil

Perhaps you could help this poor dumb cretinous viola player out as well. He seems to have missed out 2 octaves from the start of the Waxman Fantasy - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/clipserve/B00000DMHB002006/0/002-9136566-7731244 - doh !!

Mind you, seeing as you're a 2nd violinist, see above joke, you probably couldn't play it on violin anyway, let alone viola! (Only joking - I'm sure you can ;-)

I agree, it's exquisite playing and I don't mean to demean him. I haven't heard the rest but it does seem a bit unadventurous - after all Eric Shumsky (Oscar's son) has recorded all the Casimir Ney caprices - equivalent of Paganini on viola - so it can be done.

and...How do you prevent your violin from being stolen?
Put your violin in a viola case

Put some music in front of him.

Take away the cardboard cut-out he's been talking to.

You don't.

Can't vibrato, still hasn't learnt past 3rd position, can't play louder than mezzo forte,
has no clue how to do bouncing bow strokes, and struggles to play in tune?




Teach them to be a professional Baroque violinist!!

Ok, apologies in advanced to all Baroque players reading this!! We all love you!

Joke inspired by a concert I went to tonight. And I enjoy listening to Baroque ensembles very much! When done well it's very enjoyable...

Did you hear what the critics said about the dog who learned to play the violin?....."Bow wow."

If you scroll down on this thread, there are a lot of statements that will take you down a peg or two. But you can bridge the gap if you are sharp and just ask someone on the staff who has shifted into a higher position.
(That's about all I can Handel this time of morning)

No cello/violin jokes on here yet, so here you go -
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.

A: 1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?

Enjoy ;-D

What do you get when you cross a cello with a Jews Harp? A Jello. (Should that be "minority harp"?)

What do you get when you scare the daylights out of a cellist? Vibrato.

A joke I just saw somewhere:

A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8. Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.

Anyway, Antal Dorati was conducting some symphony in which the a bassoon player had to wait about a thousand measures before he came in. At the last rehearsal before the concert, he asked Maestro Dorati if he would give him a cue. Dorati of course agreed and noted it in the score. That evening, however, at the performance, Dorati conducted without a score, forgot to cue the bassoonist to come it with this very important part, and as a result the whole piece was ruined. After the concert (so the story goes), Dorati was backstage looking for this bassoon player, and when he found him, started berating him for not coming in when he was supposed to.

The poor bassoon player was bewildered: "But Maestro, you said you'd cue me."

"Cue you? Cue you?" said Dorati angrily, "Couldn't you see I was busy conducting?"

How do you call someone who likes to hang out & have a drink with musicians? -- A drummer.

When he got back to his car, it had indeed been broken into and . . . there were TWO accordians in his trunk.

Go here: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
for tons of instrument jokes...and three full web pages of viola jokes.
Don't try to read them in a library like I did...people might stare at you for laughing too loud.

How many French hornists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5.
The first 4 will complain about how high it is, and it will take the fifth one to actually do it.

(feel free to change "viola" to any other instrument...)

While I was playing in a trio, the violist said to the flautist, "I always hold my breath while I play. Do you hold your breath while you play, too?"

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

The conductor--Business before PLEASURE.

You throw a piano accordian in a dumpster and it lands on a violin.

hehe.

Neil

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.

Violinist: When should he take them?

Doctor: These are for you.

Me: Of course I really enjoyed the violins.
Friend: What do you mean you liked the violence!

Talk about being misunderstood...

Einstein loved to play violin
and would sometimes play
duets with Kreisler. Once
during one of these occasions they were having some
difficulty playing a certain
passage. After several tries
Kreisler put finally down his
violin and turned to
Einstein. Annoyed he
said, “Eistein can’t you count?”

Two violists are standing on a sinking ship:
1st violist: "Oh my god - I CAN'T SWIM!!"
2nd violist: "Calm down, just fake it!"

Look to the violists, for they are those in hiding, you can't see'em, you can't hear'em, and your heavenly Father doth nourish them.

In my experience, if you cant see'em or hear'em, you can almost certainly smell them. ;)

Here's my joke (adapted from viola joke):

Q: what do violinists and vacuum cleaners have in common?

A: they both suck

(Also partially true in my experience :P )

Maia

Answer: a semi-conductor

What do you call a violinist who is faithful to his/her spouse ??

Answer: a virtuoso

What does a hard drinking musicologist do when composing ??

Answer: starts with the fifth & ends with the tonic

Ted

What do you call a violinist with perfect pitch? A starter for the Chicago Cubs.

Why do violinists become good politicians? They've had a lifetime of practice waffling their position.

So, the last chair Violist in the orchestra from Nowheresville, USA is walking along the beach one day and finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out and says that it will grant 3 wishes. The violist is very happy and says, "I wish to be the best violist in my orchestra." The genie snaps his fingers, and poof, the violist is now the principal of the orchestra. A couple of days later, the violist asks again, "I wish to be the best violist in the whole USA." Poof, he is now the principal of the best orchestra in the USA." Later yet, the violist requests, "I wish to be the best violist in the whole world." Poof, the Violist is now last chair second violin in the symphony in Nowheresville, USA.

One to hold the stick and two offering technique suggestions....

A violinist is walking on the beach one day when he comes across a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me," says the genie. "I am not the most powerful genie, so I'm afraid I can only offer to grant one wish."

Without missing a beat (!), the violinist says, "I'd like there to be peace in the Middle East."

The genie, having been in a lamp for several centuries, asks him to explain. The violinist pulls out a map and details the situation at length.

"Euhhh," says the genie, "that sounds pretty complicated; I don't know if I can pull it off. Do you have a second choice?"

The violinist thinks for a few seconds. "Well, I'd like to be the concertmaster of the Berlin Philharmonic."

The genie says, "Let me take a look at that map again..."