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Pauline Lerner

May 17, 2005 at 2:29 AM

Doomsday and pains

I keep going over and over my Doomsday calculations in my head. How many more months can I hang on without an income, even if I don’t spend a single cent on anything that isn’t essential for survival? Would it help to move somewhere else? (No) What will happen to me if I do temp work for $9 an hour and no benefits? How about moonlighting at the 7-11 or U-Haul, again with no benefits? I have medical conditions that need treatments, and those things are *very* expensive. Can I make some money freelancing, again with no benefits? Will a wealthy man who likes to share come and rescue me? (No) I’ll probably never be able to buy a used car. Health insurance is more important. I’ve been unemployed for a couple of years. Who would hire a middle aged woman with a Ph.D. and 25 or so years of work experience? I’ve used up all my savings, and now I’m living off of my retirement money. I don’t spend a single cent on anything that isn’t essential for survival. When my money is gone, I’m at the end of the road. I have no family to take care of me. I refuse to be a homeless person. How can I go on with the feeling that I have no future?

I have so many pains. The #1 today is the feeling of disappointment I've had in some of my friendships. In yoga class tonight, when my yoga teacher talked about letting go of everything dross, everything you don’t need, I started crying. I don’t want to feel this pain. I want to let it go as I exhale. Perhaps I will.

I only need two things to make me happy: love and money.

I feel like I have a terminal illness. Of course we all do, but we don’t think about it much when we’re young. I have a lease on life, renewable every day. Will I? Can I?

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