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 It's time for me to move onJanuary 1, 2009 at 6:51 AM It is 10 minutes till the beginning of a new year. I am left wondering what I will become. I’m not, nor have I ever truly been happy with myself. My entire life I’ve heard that a person needs to love themselves; I’ve even said it to many people myself. I don’t love myself and I don’t think I ever have. In a sense I’m comfortable with whom I am but deep down I’m not. I love a part of me and I hate another.
The part I love is that of me which is open to change and accepting of others. Many people believe that if a person is not religious and does not love God, that they are not a good person. I find extreme irony and shock in a statement like that (if you don’t understand what I mean by that, you can ask me and I’ll elaborate). I don’t believe in that. I think that I have my faults just like anyone else, but I’m still a good person.
The side which I hate is doubtful, concerned and anxious of what is to come. I’m trying to decide of what I want to adapt into my life. Do I no longer live in the past? Do I no longer live for the future? Do I drop everything and live in the now? I don’t know yet.
I have hated others before but I now understand that the fault lies within myself and to stop it I need to confront the problem which makes me uncomfortable. I’m going to do this in two ways: I need to be confident with myself on the outside, i.e. having a body that I’m comfortable with. And I need to be happy with my self image, i.e. being happy on the inside.
Huge change is going to come to my life in the next few years and I need to start to prepare for that. I’m not a kid anymore and being a teenager isn’t that different from an adult. The only difference being that we are shielded by our parents from the real world. Exposure to things in the “real world” is something that has happened to me in my life. I believe that I am truly more mature than many people my age because I’ve had this exposure and I don’t see life as a game… I know what’s out there and I know to fear it and when to ignore it. Most kids my age will be talking on the phone, doing stuff on MySpace, or watching TV while I’m dealing with issues way beyond them. When I overheard conversations about how kids my age are drinking and partying every weekend I was shocked. I had no idea it was that real. Then I look at myself, who has never taken a sip of alcohol, a puff of cigarette smoke, nor any drug, and I am proud. I will never take a substance, as I have developed a quality in myself that is not subject to peer pressure and I’m not willing to conform.
Another way I want change to come is that I want to better develop my writing skills; they are absolute rubbish at the moment. These very few past few weeks I’ve been lacking motivation through music and my writing is changing (for the better…I think.) I have written many personal journals in the sense that I would be sharing them with an audience like you, but have chosen to keep them private in the sense that I think you would not find them interesting. I’m thinking I need a major fall-back in case something happens and music is “not in the picture” for me. Performing on a stage with an orchestra behind me and a conductor to my left is something that I want dearly. It is where my heart is and I want nothing else for myself. But this sense of realness is upon me and the fear that it won’t happen is starting to surface.
Consider this my one New Year’s Resolution and nothing beyond that.
From Pauline Lerner
Posted on January 1, 2009 at 2:58 PM You have a lot of maturity and insights for one your age -- or any age. I'm glad that you have decided to stay away from illicit drugs. I think everyone, regardless of age, has both self confidence and self doubts. Some are more in touch with their self doubts than others. Some are better at hiding their self doubts than others. I wish I could give you some answers. For me and for many others, sorting these thoughts out and dealing with them constructively are the makings of a lifelong journey. I can only advise you to keep being honest with yourself and hope that life (the things we can not control) treats you kindly. P.S. You are not a crummy writer. From Jodi B
Posted on January 2, 2009 at 3:07 PM "Many people believe that if a person is not religious and does not love God, that they are not a good person " I don't agree with that statement. I know a great deal of people who don't go to church or believe in God, but are nice people. But I do know that there is a difference between knowing God and loving God. Knowing that there is a plan for you and putting your trust in Him allows the "unknown" seem a little less stressful; at least for me. Anyway.. I think you are a very intellegent, caring and insightful person who is a gifted writer, but a bit too hard on himself. :) Best of luck to you and the new year!
From Paul G.
Posted on January 2, 2009 at 5:45 PM Pauline and Jodi, Thank you so much for reading and commenting. :) From Elinor Estepa
Posted on January 4, 2009 at 3:52 AM Beautifuly written Paul, your creativeness are oozing through your music and your wirtting.tremedrous Talent, is what you have and Yes! you are beyond your age, and you will be whatever you wanted to be in your life because you know exactly what you want, just keep on believing, you never know what life takes you.. Have a HAPPY New Year! From Paul G.
Posted on January 4, 2009 at 5:03 AM Thanks Elinor. Happy New Year to you too! This entry has been archived and is no longer accepting comments. |
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